My Story; His Glory

The Appointment

It was the first week of December. I should have been enjoying the early holiday season festivities with my mom and my sisters, but I had something else on my mind.

The signs had been there for a few weeks, and somehow I managed to suppress the thought of them. But there was no denying it now. I had finally gone to a doctor to confirm what I already knew: I was 11 weeks pregnant with my first child.

In my mind there was no question about what I should do. There was only one answer. I couldn’t go through with this pregnancy. I wasn’t thinking, “I’m not ready to be a mom” or, “I can’t have this baby.” I didn’t allow my mind to go that far. This was just a pregnancy that needed to end.

Being so close to the end of my first trimester, there wasn’t much time to spare. I only had a matter of days to get things taken care of because second-trimester abortions weren’t offered anywhere near where I lived.  I never stopped to even consider the truth of why second-trimester abortions would be harder to access. Without giving it a second thought, my appointment was set.

I don’t remember the exact date, but there are a few details that stand out from that day. My sister drove me to my appointment at Family Planning Associates in Fresno, California, about 30 miles from where we lived.

When we arrived, I walked up to the counter and signed myself in. The woman at the counter handed me some paperwork to fill out and instructed me to have a seat and said that someone would be with me shortly. So I sat with my sister and waited.

I can’t recall how much time stood between me and the door where I would be called back for my “turn.” I could have changed my mind and ran out of the building, never looking back. But that thought never crossed my mind.

Eventually, a woman opened the door and called me back. Little did I know how my life would be forever changed by accepting that call. I could say a part of me died that day, but that would be a lie. The reality is that my baby died that day because of a selfish choice I made. My baby was his or her own person. A part of me didn’t die that day, I’m still here, completely alive all these years later. It was my baby that died that day.

The next thing I remember is that I woke up, cramping and freezing cold in a recovery bed. I was no longer 11 weeks pregnant. I wasn’t pregnant at all, and my only feeling was that of relief.

Remembering

As I sit here today recalling the memories I have of my abortion, what stand out to me the most are not the details of the events from that day, but the details of how I felt that day — or, rather, how I didn’t feel that day. I had no hesitations beforehand and no remorse after. I wouldn’t even realize the seriousness of what I had just done until years later.

I remember clearly how I viewed abortion during that time in my life. I had been in a bad relationship and knew that pregnancy was a real possibility. It was always in the back of my mind that if I were to get pregnant I would have an abortion, as if that were some form of birth control. Not-surprisingly, I did get pregnant because of my irresponsible and sinful behavior, and all I could think about was the fact that I didn’t want to be tied to this person for the rest of my life. Adoption wasn’t even a thought that crossed my mind; I just wanted the whole situation to go away.

And there was my birth control, tucked away in the back of my mind like a “get out of jail free” card.

It’s sad to think how easy it was to arrange for my baby’s life to end. Sad to think that all it took was a few simple steps. But it’s even more sad to think how utterly wicked my heart was, that I was even capable of arranging for my baby’s life to be taken without a second thought. No hesitation whatsoever. It was as simple as filling out some papers, paying $70, walking in pregnant, and coming out with it all behind me…

Or so I thought.

My abortion will never be behind me. As easy as it may have seemed in the moment, it was only a matter of time before the truth caught up with me. I was able to suppress the truth in unrighteousness, but my conscience bore witness to what I had just done, and I would live with regret for the rest of my life.

Restored by Hope

In the next three years that followed, I met my husband and got married. When we began having children, that’s when the memory of my abortion started to creep into my thought life. With each doctor’s visit, hearing my baby’s heartbeat or seeing her wiggle around on the screen, the horrifying truth of what I had done began to come into clear focus. As I read about my baby’s milestones at 9, 10, and 11 weeks of pregnancy, I couldn’t help imagining the little baby that was in my womb prior. I had to come to terms with the fact that that was a human life, every bit as human and valuable as this baby who I now cherished and nurtured with anticipation of holding her in my arms one day. Little by little the guilt and condemnation started to pile up on me like an overwhelming burden.

At this time in my life I believed I was a Christian. I made sure to say my prayers every night and would go to church sporadically. The interesting thing was that I never read the Bible, and yet I believed I knew God and I thought I had a close relationship with Him. I knew the god I had fashioned in my own mind, and I liked this little god; he didn’t require much of me. The trouble with this little god was that he couldn’t forgive me for my abortion. As I began living under the weight of guilt and shame, no matter how many times I asked for forgiveness, the guilt and shame never went away. I was sure this little god could never forgive me and that I was surely going to hell because of what I’d done. The guilt was like a bottomless pit from which there was no escape. Not even my little god could save me.

Fast-forward to the year 2012, 11 years after my abortion and 8 years into my marriage. Those 8 years were filled with turmoil of their own, and now I decided to get serious about going to church. I found a decent church in the town we had just moved to and began attending regularly. Soon after, I began to really read the Bible for the first time in my life. The church offered several different women’s study groups for the summer, and I remember carefully and prayerfully choosing which study I should sign up for. I chose the Virtuous Woman study, based on the Proverbs 31 woman. I had my own ideas and expectations of what I thought God wanted me to get out of this study, but God’s infinite wisdom is so much greater than anything I could imagine. In my very limited understanding of Christianity, I thought I’d learn how to live a certain way. What I got instead was the Gospel.

It is Finished

One night during my study, I came to a part in my Bible reading of the book of John where it took me through the story of the Samaritan woman. This particular part of the study also pointed me to a portion of the book of John, where I read about Jesus’ crucifixion and His death. I remember reading John 19:30, “When Jesus had received the sour wine, He said, ‘It is finished,’ and He bowed His head and gave up His spirit.” God used that single verse to open my eyes to the the truth of who I was before a holy God, and the magnitude of his love, grace, and mercy towards me.

It’s almost too hard to put into words, but in one moment I was wrecked over my sin and what it cost Jesus, while at the same time overwhelmed by the grace and love that He would give to an undeserving sinner like me. That overwhelming burden was lifted from me in that instant. I bowed my head in tears and laid the years of guilt and shame at the foot of the cross. I finally knew that I was forgiven. Not only for my abortion, but every sinful way in me. I am now a new creation in Christ, ready and willing to live a life devoted to Him in love, gratitude, and worship.

The life-changing truth that I realized that night was that Jesus paid it all. His finished work on the cross was enough to cover my sin. The meaning of that finally hit me. “It is FINISHED.” I had lived for years thinking that God could never truly forgive me for my abortion. That night I realized that in thinking God could never forgive me for my abortion, I was essentially saying that Jesus’ death on the cross wasn’t enough to cover my sin. I’ve never been happier to be wrong about something in all my life! There is no sin so deep that He cannot save.

Sharing an abortion story isn’t easy for anyone who has come to the horrifying reality that they had their own child murdered in their womb. You get all kinds of responses, from people thanking you for being vulnerable, to others calling you a hypocrite for trying to warn others not to go down that path. It would be easier to keep my story to myself, but I serve a sovereign God who is able to take the biggest messes we make with our sin and use them for good.

The Good News

When God saved me, He also began to teach me about His sovereignty and how that ties in to my past. I know He has a plan for my story and that doesn’t involve keeping it to myself. That gives me hope because I know that God is good in His infinite wisdom, and He has a greater plan and a purpose for my past.

“ And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28

It is my hope and my prayer that by sharing my story, it might help other women think differently about abortion and that anyone who reads this and is considering abortion might think twice about the tiny precious life inside of them. I didn’t see my pregnancy as a life inside of me. I saw it as a problem that I could easily get rid of. It doesn’t work that way. Abortion only ends a life, making your problem bigger and irreversible. Even as I sit here forgiven and free from the guilt and shame, I will always grieve over the child I will never get to meet in this life because of my selfish and sinful decision.

I wish I had someone there in December 2001 to tell me all of these things. I didn’t. Not one person warned me about the reality of abortion. Not a single person tried to help me understand what I was about to do. I hope and pray that by sharing my story I can be that person for someone else.

I want to be a voice for the unborn, but more importantly, I want my voice to shout the grace of God from the rooftops. I want others to know that no matter the sin, there is forgiveness in Christ. I pray that my story is ultimately useful in sharing the hope, salvation, and freedom from sin that can only be found in Him. If you’ve been living in unrepentant sin, or if you’ve been weighed down by a past sin that has you plagued with guilt, know this: You are not alone. Every one of us is is a sinner in need of Jesus Christ as our Savior.

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” -Romans 3:23.

We are all sinners but God in His infinite love and mercy has provided a way for us to be reconciled to Him. He provided a Savior — His son, the Lord Jesus Christ, who lived a perfectly sinless life and died on the cross, suffering the wrath of God for the sins of all those who will turn from their sin and trust in Him.

“…but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

Three days later, Christ defeated death and rose from the grave. Now we can turn to him in faith, die to our old self, and be raised to new life in Christ.

“I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

God commands us to turn from our sin and put our faith in Christ alone for forgiveness and salvation. If we turn to God and put our faith in Christ, we are saved and born again, restored to a right relationship with God our Father for eternity. Our sin is imputed to Christ (treated as if it were His) who has already paid the penalty for those sins, but it doesn’t stop there. Christ’s righteousness is imputed to us (treated as if it were ours), so when God sees us, He doesn’t see a sinner. He sees His Son. This is the reality for all who repent and believe in the Lord Jesus Christ.

If you have never put your faith in Christ for forgiveness of sins, I urge you to do that today. Then go forth and walk in obedience to your Savior. Find a Bible-teaching church and submit to the leadership who will shepherd your soul while you walk in faith.

“Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” -Romans 15:13

 

HELP FOR THOSE IN CRISIS PREGNANCY:

Find a local Pregnancy Center if you think you might be pregnant.

ABORTION FACTS:

Source: Pro-Life Action League

• Research indicates that 98% of all abortions are related to issues of  “personal choice.” The primary reasons women give for having an abortion include not feeling emotionally capable (32%) or financially capable (25%) of raising a child, and concern that having a child would drastically alter her life (16%).
• About 22% of all pregnancies end in abortion in the United States. There were 1.21 million abortions in 2008 compared to 4.25 million live births.

• The age breakdown of women having abortions, according to the Guttmacher Institute, is as follows (numbers rounded):

Less than 15 years: < 0.5%
Age 15-17: 6%
Age 18-19: 11%
Age 20-24: 33%
Age 25-29: 24%
Age 30+:  26%

• According to the Guttmacher Institute, there were approximately 926,000 abortions performed in the United States in 2014, the most recent year for which data is available. This amounts to 2,537 abortions per day.
• The number of abortions in 2014 is down from the number in 2011 when the number of abortions totaled 1,060,000.
• Since the legalization of abortion in 1973, there have been approximately 56 million abortions performed in the United States.